Don't expect to see a change if you don't make one

Increasingly we have seen media coverage on initiatives celebrating the strength of women, the resilience of mothers, the importance of time off for fathers and the importance of a healthy life balance to better perform, and to achieve an "integrated" work life equation. 

At last! We have come a long way from the previous generation, from the previous decade and actually, from 18 months ago, come to think of it. 2015 has been a very important year for topics related to diversity, gender equality and health versus productivity.

In 2015 HBR's ranking of CEOs has for the first time considered how companies score not only on the hard numbers, but also on "soft" facts (ESG performance) "In the past, our ranking was based exclusively on hard stock market numbers. We looked at total shareholder return, as well as the change in each company’s market capitalization. We liked the fact that the ranking was based solidly on data and not on reputation or anecdote. Yet it also felt incomplete, because it failed to account for the many aspects of leadership that go beyond mere market performance. And so this year we’ve tweaked things. We’ve added to the mix a measurement of each company’s environmental, social, and governance (ESG) performance."

We have seen many financial institutions jumping into the growing trend of socially responsible investing and best of all State Street launching a diversity gender balanced fund , which will track an index comprising companies that do a great job at advancing women through gender diversity on their boards of directors and in management in general. We have seen extensive research that shows that companies with gender-diverse leadership tend to outperform long-term companies that don’t so I am surprised these funds are only starting to emerge.

Bloomberg has set up a new team of journalists and analysts covering the topic diversity.

The ex Norway Prime Minister was interviewed and asked about the reasons behind the success of her country (beyond the obvious oil related wealth) as in the 80s Norway was nowhere close to where it is now, its economy weak and common people barely able to afford decent living. "Success comes from the fact that you see fathers pushing strollers at 3 pm on a working day" she said. "What has changed in these 30 years are family politics and work culture. Retaining talented women in the workforce, giving family benefits and allowing fathers to be fathers and workers without stigma. Shorter working days and flexible working, which results into creative and flexible thinking".

There is McKinsey research on how and why "Women matter" and the latest Mercer report "When women thrive businesses thrive" being presented at the WEF last week and discussed by the CEOs of Cisco, eBay, Marriot and the president of UBS Wealth Management, Jürg Zeltner: "One other thing we all found common ground on was retaining talented women. They leave the workforce after you’ve invested and trained them as many find that workplaces are not family-friendly. Our challenge is to keep them and make the workplace flexible and supportive of their needs and priorities."

So there is all the progress being made just cited above, the daily strong commitment of many of us to raise awareness on the challenges women face and to bring positive change in the world. All of it is still probably only a drop in the ocean but change is happening out there.

Out there.

Then there is me, and I know that like me many other women and working mothers at times have a similar behaviour.

Rewind of two weeks, Monday 11 January, 6am. My husband and I are getting ready for work, kids still – thankfully – asleep. My phone rings. Terror (not quite, but close...). Our current Monday babysitter's little child is sick so she won't be able to come today. And it is of course no problem, it happens. However, a well known feeling that I merrily refer to as "the cold –spine" starts taking over. We quickly and frantically go through our blackberries, our plan in these cases is to take half day off each to look after whichever child is at home, aim is to cancel the half day which would result in the lower damage for the rest of the week. We decide that I stay at home in the morning with our 9 months old baby, dialling in for a couple of meetings, and my husband stays at home in the afternoon, also dialling in when he needs. I let my boss know, who very nicely and empathically confirms it is no problem at all (she has been there too). I tell my colleagues and team. On we go with the plan. At 11 am my baby is happily playing on his mat babbling away while I dial in for an internal meeting. I dial in and immediately go on mute. I barely comment and step in only quickly for fear that someone might hear my baby gurgling cheerfully in the background. Why did I do that? Even if anyone heard the baby chuckle, so what? They all knew where I was and why. I am not that junior or young any more or shy or lacking self confidence. So why did I try and hide the fact that as a working mum this too can be part of my life and it is really no big deal, in fact, hat off really for pushing through and balancing it all??!

Fast-forward to 4pm. The above nearly forgotten and not even yet properly processed. I have now been in the office for a couple of hours and my husband at home for 2 hours and taken as well a (video) call. I call him asking how the afternoon is going. "Oh great actually! Baby M. was sitting on my lap during my call, they loved him and he behaved really well."

No need to comment, I think these two episodes speak for themselves. Perhaps I will add that I am proud of how my husband handled the situation and a little less proud of how I did not stand up to my ideals.

So here is my lesson learnt and a better version of myself has come out of it.

Change, real change, starts from us and from how we expect the world to view us. We all have a lot more responsibility and impact on driving change than we often think.

M.

Editing Life. Less Means Luxury.

History. As a student I always wondered why during history classes we were focusing so much on dates and battles and who won what piece of land, and less, or zero, on the effect all those terrible events had on people and their habits. What effects did the Second World War have on our grandparents' lifestyle and life choices?

What are people likely to do after a decade of poverty and deprivation? What will they be keen to run after once the economy starts growing again and while the difficult memories of the past are still vivid in their minds? Buy. Stock up. Splurge. Own things. Just for the sake of being able to do it in most cases. We have probably all had someone in the family that after any world tragedy suggests to go raid the local supermarket, just in case the shops run out of food?

Is it a coincidence that post second world war, in a time where - my grandparents tell me – unlike today, white bread was for the wealthy and brown bread for the poor, where people struggled to have decent meals, we had curvy women as icons of beauty? Sophia Loren came right out of that time. She represented the new rich, embodying redemption from years of hunger. Fast forward 50 years, as a teenager I remember only too well wondering why on earth anorexic, bony ladies a là Kate Moss were considered beauty icons. Because we had and could afford anything and had access to great amounts of food, so we iconized what we could not have easily. Add a decade and the advent of the internet as main distributor of quick knowledge (Dr. Google anyone?) and we all are experts when it comes to healthy eating and healthy icons. The Romans had it right all along with their "mens sana in corpore sano" a two thousand-year-old statement. Are we now in a much happier and balanced place and able to edit our own life because of the Internet? Somehow I guess we are.

One of the factors that fueled the prosperity of the Fifties was the increase in consumer spending. The US first and shortly after Europe, enjoyed a standard of living that had never been seen before. In a decade many women across Europe went from hand-washing in rivers to owning a washing machine and being able to hire domestic help.

Spending patterns changed overnight. The adults of the Fifties had grown up in conditions of economic deprivation, first due to the general poverty following World War I and then due to the rationing of consumer goods of World War II. During WWII, much of Europe`s productive capacity shifted to armaments. Everything from sugar to gasoline to tires to nylon stockings was rationed. When consumer goods became available again, people wanted to spend.

How many times have I heard my own grandmother saying that the reason why she has been for so long a devoted boutique client since the day the first one opened in her neighbourhood is due to the fact that while growing up there was no such a thing as buying new clothes: post WWII going to the tailor for new clothes was a yearly much awaited occasion. Her wardrobe is three times mine now and I am probably being conservative. Her generation has witnessed the shift from a production society, focused on meeting basic needs, to a consumption society, which emphasizes customers' wants.  

We are now experiencing the next logical – and opposite - step, what has the manic consumerism of the past 50 years led to? Books like All You Need is Less (Madeleine Somerville) or The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying: a simple, effective way to banish clutter forever (Marie Kondo) have been best-sellers from the first day they hit Amazon, or the local bookshop if you are the classical type.

How much money do we spend on storage space? In Milan renting a couple of square meters for storage costs nearly two thousand euros a year, the monthly salary of a high school teacher. These storage buildings, picturesquely called La Casa delle Cose (The house of things) in Italy,  are popping up everywhere, leveraging on the attachment that we have for our "stuff" and the difficulty we have to get rid of it, to let go of our "possessions".

Since having kids we have often had family visiting. My very personal challenge is not so much getting rid of our own clutter, that I gladly do and a red carpet awaits me at our local second-hand shop every time I go to donate bags of "stuff", but in pushing back on daily presents for the kids, on the amount of clothes and various items that everyone visiting our house seems to be forgetting here. Either because they are flying back somewhere and cannot take liquids back or because they bought so much during their visit that their previous belongings do not fit anymone in their suitcase(s) ("is that OK if I pick it up when I come back in 12 months?") or because they think it is easier to leave entire suitcases of clothes and assorted items in the various places they visit. Especially in my house and in that irresistible one wardrobe I try to leave half empty for guests.

One way or the other, we are all slowly realizing that our own possessions are quickly taking over our life and costing us money, time, space – mental and physical. I now consider luxury and status symbol a half empty wardrobe. Do we own our possessions or do they own us? How do we get back on track and afford opposite luxuries than our post-war grandparents?

Watch this funny TedTalk on the topic "Less Stuff More Happiness".

M.

Mindset shifts

A short post today about one of the most important topics being currently discussed in our world: the future of the workforce.

Change is happening. It`s a matter of how much and how long some of us will resist to it. Neither economies nor businesses want to be the next Kodak. Who wants to miss out on progress?

More on the topic soon!

M.

Childcare and the privilege of pressure

This time it was all planned. This time we were going to have everything organized and taken care of.

This second time my return to work post maternity leave was going to be smooth. Considering we were about to start new jobs, it had to be. We had it all sorted. It took 10 months to plan. It lasted one day.

In Switzerland maternity leave allowance is normally three months. Yes a “generous” three months. In my company the allowance available is exceptionally up to six months. The average EU mother has and takes 12 months leave, considering countries like Germany where parental leave is up to 3 years, although most mothers take 10-12 months, countries like Italy and the UK where it`s normally 1 year and countries like Spain where it`s around 6 months.  And considering countries which are 100 years ahead like the Nordics where parental leave can be shared, fathers can take 3 months off without stigma, flexible working is a reality and not a career killer and results are not based on face time, childcare is available, high level and affordable for everyone. 

Per se Switzerland´s 3 – 6 months would not even be too extreme if the support network around parents and childcare arrangements were functioning well or in some cases existed at all. If mothers and fathers who decide to invest in their careers had it a tad easier, going back to work a few weeks after birth would be possible without major headaches. In a country where nursery schools are mainly private (unless you fall under a certain income threshold, and only about 10-15% of the population does, in that case you could apply for one of the few subsidized nursery places, well before you plan to get pregnant), where the 0 – 5 care is fully and only up to the parents, it is not a surprise that only 25% of the women return to work after the first child, and less after child number two. 

The childcare bill is on the high end, come June, when our second son will start nursery, we will have a monthly CHF 6000 bill only for two nursery schools, 7.30 to 6pm, and we are not in the most expensive school. No, it is not in line with average salaries, it is well above, this the reason why mothers in the workforce are so scarce in full time or executive roles. The same goes for the majority of the working parents we know, mostly affluent or above, and still. That does not include a possible nanny to help with late work days, sick days, school holidays (12 weeks a year for which you still pay school fees). Nannies cost between 20 and 40 CHF per hour and most importantly it is not easy to find a person to whom you leave for the whole day your children, your house and your car while you are gone. Of course there are some amazing people and professionals out there, and we were blessed until now, but what an adventure to find them?

We are lucky to be able to afford this so that we can both have the choice and continue with our careers. But it is little wonder that a strikingly high number of mothers list costs as reason number one for deciding to take care of their kids themselves and stay at home, in many cases giving up to her aspirations and careers. Reason two and three being the pressure from the employer, from society, and of course from themselves. Yes, society. It was a family doctor in his 40s who told me with a grave voice “Why are you doing this to your family? Can you not just stay at home.” when I asked for vitamins as I was feeling slightly exhausted the first few months after my return, the lack of sleep, the weekly nursery bugs of my first baby and the long work days were tough.

Switzerland is an amazing country and we chose to stay here in Zurich instead of London, Milan, Frankfurt for example, because of the many advantages it offers. But one thing that this country is missing is realizing the potential of the many amazing talents who because of the above we are losing daily. While it is a great country for having a family for example, it is very far from being a good country for working mothers and fathers. Here a good article with stats about this.

After our first son was born, I returned to work after 5 months for 3 days a week for a short period of time, before going back to full time, we had a part-time nursery school and were positive that things would just work out fine. They do for some families, they didn`t for us. This first particular school we had in order to “stay competitive” accepted sick children, in some cases highly infectious children – the normal standard of care states that when visibly sick children should be sent home. This meant that my son hardly ever went to school as he was sick every other day, we paid for the nursery school to keep the place and we paid for a nanny who helped when he was sick to go to the school that weekly made him sick. An interesting loop. Until we cancelled the school and got stung with 3 months "exit fee" anyway although my son had been there 20% of the time while he was still enrolled. So nanny and family stepped in until our little man and his immune system were able to cope with the daily bombardment of nursery school germs.

Aware of the above and of the fact that this time I was going back to work full time, a few months before baby 2 came we started looking for a full time nanny who could take care of him the whole day for the first 14 months of life, until he would start nursery school. We made our choice and our new nanny started a few weeks after our second little boy was born. I was keen to have her with us during my maternity leave so that we could all get used to each other. Things worked, she was doing a very good job, the kids liked her and I felt in good hands. The plan was waterproof, older child in nursery school full time, 5 months baby at home with the nanny and family a few days a month when and if needed.

I went back to work on October 1st. On October 2nd I almost choked on my coffee while reading a text from our nanny, who was off that week as my family was with the kids, who asked if we could meet for coffee the next day.

I just knew. I have to say I totally understand her reasons and there is nothing none of us could have probably done differently. She was about to go back to the corporate world as had been offered a great job by a very good company. What can one say? Is there a prize for worst timing?

What was I supposed to do with my job and my baby? Our place at the nursery school would not be available until June, that was only ...8 months to go. I was now back at work, to a new job too, and had very little time to interview or “try” nannies. Once again one of our blessings, family, and a friend whom I cannot consider anything else than family, came in. But how many parents can rely so quickly on their families really? We will find a new nanny of course, but could timing have been worse? Why do many parents have to cope with and live in a constant house of cards when it comes to childcare?

To make things easier, within the first week of me going back, our then 5 months old baby started to:

- Wake up between 4 and 8 times a night (he had been a superb sleeper since birth and until then)

- Refuse formula (which we had often been given as a little top up and were now trying to increase)

- Demand milk the whole night and refuse it during the day (while I was away)

Only who has been there knows what it means to survive on little, interrupted sleep for months on end and try and perform at work and be on top of your life. It is a type of exhaustion, effort and pressure that cannot be explained. Thankfully, like everything else, you get used to it. Almost.

Everything beyond kids and work becomes secondary unfortunately. A particularly gifted journalist like Carolyn Hax, was  able to explain why parents really have little time and what they can do about it (guess?). Here is a great read.

However, I have now known for some time, while stressful, pressure can be good. In fact, pressure can be a privilege.

One of my favourite entrepreneurs, Mr Branson just wrote an illuminating post:

"The other day someone asked me how I deal with pressure. Without thinking over my response, I said that pressure is a privilege – which really is a great way to think positively and proactively about any challenge. When we are faced with exciting scenarios and situations, dealing with the stress that they bring can lead us to be more alert, alive and attentive. It can help to improve our performance."

"You need to balance high-pressure periods with plenty of time for rest, reflection and recuperation, or else you won’t be able to switch off and get perspective. This is partly why work-life balance and spending time away from the office is so important," he says.

"And remember: When the stakes are higher, the rewards are greater — and the journey is more enjoyable."

M.

Einstein's 8th Wonder of the World

One of the many interesting guest-posts I will be hosting here. Thanks to Chris Sinclair from AimCFO.com. 

“Compound interest is the eighth wonder of the world. He who understands it, earns it … he who doesn’t … pays it.” – Albert Einstein. Try to picture Einstein as this reality began to hit him.

Most people never pause long enough to consider the significance of this statement. Those that do usually only look at it from one perspective and that being money.

Money

Money is one of those things that we all need at least some of and often seem to be lacking, at least from our perspective. Yet we often treat money as if it rules over us. We cannot seem to control how we spend and often don’t even think about saving. Yet saving money to prepare for the future is really something we all should be doing, and, as Einstein observed, these savings compound.

For example, assume you put aside $2,000 at the beginning of each year and receive 10% interest on the balance at the end of each year. I know 10% may be dreaming, but I’m using it for easy of demonstration. At the beginning of year 1 you have $2,000 but at the end of that year you have $2,200 ($2,000 + $200 interest). In year 2 you add another $2,000 for a total of $4,200. However, at the end of year two you receive interest not just on the $4,000 in principle you have added ($400), you also receive interest on the first year interest of $20 ($200 x 10%). You will have $4,620 after 2 years. If you carry this out for 20 years you will have $126,005. Of that you have contributed $40,000 in principle ($2,000 x 20), earned interest on the principle contributions of $42,000, and earned interest on the interest of $44,005.

Notice that most of your balance at the end of 20 years is from interest on interest. The balance of $126,005 is composed of $40,000 you contributed, $42,000 was earned on the principle you contributed and $44,005 was earned on the interest you accumulated. That is a demonstration of the power of compounding when it comes to money.

Compounding however is about More than Money.

While we typically think about the power of compounding in terms of money, it really applies to other aspects of life. Here are a few:

NETWORKING – As we build our personal and business networks we find that both opportunities and results compound. Each new relationship opens the door to more relationships which in turn open the door to even more. This is a playing out of the concept of six degrees of separation, which says that on average we are approximately six steps away, by way of introduction, from any other person in the world. We have more opportunities to help others and more people to help us. On top of that, we have more resources within our reach. As long as we build those networks with the correct motives (that is not just what’s in it for us), we are using the power of compounding in a fruitful and honest manner.

BUSINESS GROWTH – Have you ever noticed how a business suddenly seems to take off? While much of that is attributable to the efforts of management and employees, there is one thing that is somewhat beyond their total control – customers. As customers use a product of service, they frequently spread the word to others. Those people in turn spread the word to more and so on. As you see, this spreading of the word by customers is really a demonstration of the power of compounding. Of course, it is important to remember that this works both ways. If a customer is unhappy with us, we can quickly find the negativity spreading in a compound manner. This is a key reason that we need to be in regular contact with customers to address potential problems before they have the opportunity to compound.

PERSONAL REPUTATION – Just like networking and business growth, the personal impression we make on people has the potential to multiply exponentially. If someone has poor integrity, the word will spread. If another has a reputation for honesty and going the extra mile, this too will spread. This is really the idea behind a company checking personal references as well as business references for potential employees.

It’s Like Magic.

Actually, this heading is not exactly correct. While the power of compounding may seem magical at times, it really is a very logical process. Unfortunately it is lost on many people and companies. That is sad as they miss many opportunities to help others and get the help they need.

Think about it, and I think you will agree with Einstein that compounding is the eighth wonder of the world. Are you considering this as you go about your daily life?

M. (re-post)

Resolutions, goals and codewords

That time of the year again. Everywhere I look I see articles, posts, links about New Year's resolutions. Shame that they punctually don't work and nobody remembers by February. 

Over the years, like many, I have come to realize that New Year's resolutions not only don't work, but provide us with a sense of guilt that we could happily do without. I am not suggesting we let our goals drift away, rather the contrary. Just "having" a goal isn’t enough. We need a plan and a system.

Have a look at this extract from this blog, does anything here sound familiar?

"SAVING ON POINTLESS EXPENDITURES: This is why you see people constantly trying to cut back on lattes or other pointless savings goals…and when it fails, they resolve to “try harder” next time. Codewords: “I did all the right things…and look how it turned out.”
WORKING OUT INCORRECTLY: This is also why you see people who’ve been working out for years but don’t really show any visible changes. It’s scary for them to to admit that perhaps they’ve been working out wrong for years — and that while it makes them feel “good,” they are not getting the results they want. Codewords: “I’m not the kind of person who can lose that kind of weight” or “Lift weights? I’m a girl. I don’t want to get huge!”
SENDING OUT 100+ RESUMES: We have people who send out 100 resumes, then complain about the economy. They never understand that there’s an entire game being played around them, and top performers are snatching the best jobs away before average candidates ever see them. Codewords: “The Baby Boomers and immigrants stole my jobs…I guess I just need to send out another 50 resumes and wait and see.”

So yes, we want to change, but don’t know HOW to do it. So we do what’s easy, and what the media tells us to do: Make a New Year’s resolution!" 

For years I have failed to reach many of my annual "resolutions" until I realized a few things:

- I had to be clear on the motivation behind my goals.
- I had to get a clear buy-in from myself, work on my mindset and have a plan with deadlines (this book by Carol Dweck was revealing for me).
- I had to be realistic. Who knows me well knows I am a fan of diaries and to do lists. By the end of the day/week/month/year whatever is on them needs to be marked as "done". Or else it won't be on my list.
- I have to get some decent rest here and there or I will just not function well.
- I somehow got better at managing my time (more on this topic in January).

I have also learnt to let go, so rather than a list of things I will do more, I have now a yearly list of things that I am letting go.

- Donate more. Less clutter somehow makes me sharper. Clothes, toys, anything we don't really need goes to the Red Cross or equivalent (on-going hopes still here as every birthday party, every family reunion sets me back!)
- Control. I just can't have it over many things so I have learnt to let go of what I can't change, sometimes thinking karma helps…
- Perfectionism. There was a time where especially in my house I wanted things to be done my way. Then I read once a quote from Sheryl Sandberg "Done is better than perfect" and it immediately resonated with me. As long as it is done, it does not matter whether that shirt was not washed the way I would have wanted it (I am useless at that anyway), who cares if the baby was dressed with mismatched clothes or the playroom looks like we had an earthquake. 
- Too much reading. I love to read. I used to be able to read a huge number of books. Then kids came. I still make long lists of what I want to read, save articles, pile up books. I will have to let go. Read the excellence and just scan through half of what I have saved.
- Fears. I refuse to live in terror. Yes we got broken into a few years ago, yes I am scared of terrorism and ignorance and of many other things. But I won't change my life for fear of any of that. 
- Excuses have stopped. "Sorry, I can't" will have to do.

My hopeless open resolutions? 

- Getting better at social media (whatapps, emails, FB messenger, sms, emails, work emails, ….. some days I just lose track and forget to get back to friends and family!)
- Convincing myself that I do not really need daily sugary drinks from Starbucks…
- Getting my baby to sleep through the night!

One more thought. My company organized an interesting event with a "mindset trainer",  Caroline Ferguson, might be worth checking her profile and work here. 

Caroline Ferguson, trainer to high performers who want to stop sabotaging their potential and start living fully and deliberately. She equips her clients with proven mindset tools to overcome limiting beliefs, behaviours and emotions that are blocking them from being successful and happy. Before training as a Cognitive Behavioural Hypnotherapist, Caroline worked as a Corporate Communications Consultant, specialising in business transformation. This has given her a deep understanding of the challenges facing business leaders, and the effects of change on people and culture.

Have a fantastic holiday season and start of 2016!

M.

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Inspiration: We Heart It

#workingparents

I have now been back to work for a month from my second maternity leave.  Well, I have never felt more energised and ready to do, work, be committed, pull pieces together, prioritize and be ready to throw enthusiasm into new and old projects, at home and at work.  

I now have one of those fitness trackers which tells me what my husband and I have known all along. We do not sleep enough, it is probably safe to say that we have not had in the past three years more than 3/4 straight hours of sleep.  And yet somehow we, as spouses, professionals and parents have never been more on top of our life. We have learnt to make friends with stress and exhaustion, find energy, make "miracles" happen, work full days then once home bath, feed the kids, play and put them to bed, maybe work some more or catch up with our private and social life, then carve a pumpkin (or a turnip for our first Räbeliechtli!). What is incredible is that like us, hundreds of colleagues and friends are running the same silent marathon.

Once again questions are asked. "Don't you work too much? Where do you find the time and the energy? Are your kids going to be OK with you not being there most of the day?" Typically these questions are asked to me (a "working mum").  

I will elaborate another time on the answers. What is clear to me is that as parents and as professionals, it is about having the choice, it is about doing in the best possible way whatever it is that we are good at, and it is about feeling satisfied with our lives.

A few weeks ago the genius #manwhohasitall hashtag hit a nerve with his (her?) twitter posts targeting the endless amount of advice given to working mothers "about "how to have it all" with 'all' meaning happy kid, successful careers, great hair, healthy diets, immaculate wardrobes, the perfect beach body, good girlfriends, a supportive husband and a pristine house. But what if we applied the same type of inane language we use when discussing women in the workplace to men?"

http://www.breakingnews.ie/discover/if-we-gave-fathers-the-same-nonsensical-advice-we-give-working-mothers-700862.html

No wonder the pressure is on for many women. Over and over in all the diversity conversations, events, studies I have heard of, the topic "self-confidence in women" has been indicated as one key trait to perform and stay on top of their lives, careers, etc. At some point early in life, we build a reserve for a life of self-confidence. Families, social surroundings and corporate life have a deep effect on the amount left by the time a woman can thrive in business and private life. This 60 million youtube views video from Procter & Gamble goes straight to the point. Enjoy. #likeagirl.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjJQBjWYDTs

M.

Stress. How to get good at it

"The message that stress is always harmful, and life is fundamentally toxic—that is, I think, a big misread on reality." (Prof. Kelly McGonigal)

As my return to work draws near, as the challenges of balancing childcare, family and professional life, start again, I can feel it, it is the elephant in the room. 

It is the knowledge that stress will come back in our daily life as my husband and I start again the ballet of balancing it all, this time in four: a 5 months old, a nearly 3 year old, long days at work, nursery germs, erm, I meant nursery schools et all. 

But luckily, being this my second maternity leave I think I know better and I hope we are more prepared for what`s to come, for the “house of cards” feeling that majority of parents know very well. And I know that I have been in the best possible school in these past few years, the school of life with children (if you are not a parent, just think karma and trust me :-)

So in preparation for this, beyond securing all the house help I could, I have done some reading on it. Yes. I researched the topic stress.

The month, the week and the night before each and every exam I took in university, before each test in my old beloved Liceo Scientifico, were filled with it. And yet, the more under pressure I felt, the more I knew that if I kept it under control it would help me to perform. As an adult, before every presentation, opening speech I had, I knew it was good to feel that "pressure". Yet it stressed me. I tried not to but did end up complaining about it. Was that “good” stress?

I ended up with an emergency operation when I was 19 because my stomach twisted, literally. Doctors said back then I was lucky as they could put everything back in order easily, I was just left with a scar and the knowledge that this is a very common thing to happen and it can be caused by “stress”.

The stress we experience when we see our loved ones suffer, when we lose someone, when we expect the results of a test, or even simply when our kids are sick. That can`t be surely "good" stress?

So how many types of stress are there and how can we recognize them? Stress is the lining of every day life, we need to learn to live in balance with the pressure that comes from it and that we experience every day.

What follows is an extract of one of the most interesting articles I have read about stress, my main take-away is the following:

"If you understand that what you experience as stress is the biological mechanism by which you are going to learn and grow and develop your strength, now that’s a totally different way to understand why your heart is pounding, or why you’re having trouble falling asleep at night because you’re thinking about something stressful that happened."

For a full list of my summer reading on the topic, just PM me!

“We’ve been so inundated by this belief, this mindset, and this message that stress is toxic, that stress is harmful, that you should avoid or reduce stress, that in moments of feeling stressed out, we think: ‘I shouldn’t be stressed out right now.'”

“And just like with a placebo effect, when you recognize that your body and brain are capable of responding in a way that is helpful or healing, you actually enable it to happen more effectively.”

 “I  was beaten over the head with the concept that stress is a toxic state, that while helpful in the short-term, has long-term effects that are damaging. This was based on a lot of animal research from Hans Selye (see below), which doesn’t really translate to the experience of being human. Ultimately, I think it was all based on a misunderstanding of, or a very narrow definition of stress in terms of what happens in your body and in your brain. I had been taught that every time you experience anything we would call stress, your body shifts into this state that is fundamentally toxic—that flight or fight survival mode, which impairs your insight or ability to make decisions, that’s toxic for your body, that increases inflammation and hormones that in turn suppress your immune system and kill brain cells. We’ve all heard that.

If you go back 10 years to look at interviews I did about stress, I was saying all those same things in magazines and newspapers.

I’ve come to realize that there are many things about that point of view that are not true. The most basic one that’s faulty is the premise that there’s only one stress response, and that every time you experience stress you’re in a toxic state. That’s fundamentally not true. The body has a whole repertoire of stress responses. Sometimes when we experience stress we’re experiencing a state that is healthy, that makes us resilient, that makes us more caring and connected, that makes us more courageous. The experience might be physically similar in some ways to stress states that we would describe as debilitating anxiety or other negative stress states, but they are not toxic. There are a lot of different ways to experience stress.” 

(Prof. Kelly McGonigal, The Upside of Stress)

Full article here.

M.

Do – Rest – Do

I have always been a fairly active person. The to-do-list and whats-the-deadline type. When I hear people say “I have nothing to do today” my face turns into a question mark.  Even if for whatever reason I am off work, I have always plenty to do. 

Years ago I would have not hesitated one minute to think that obviously, if you want to get anywhere, you need to get and keep going, and fast if possible. In short, I was more focused on the goal and less on the journey. Thank God, like everyone, I aged, and learnt. 

I have learnt that rest is as important as action, and that our bodies, as well as our minds, need the occasional day off to better perform. How much time do you allocate to the “dolce far niente” and how much to planning and doing? Do you run parallel projects close to your official job? What do you do in your "time off"?

Today, as a working mum of two, I see my time off work as a good occasion to get more done, but also to take a little break and think of myself. A massage, sitting by the lake doing nothing, one hour on a book during the day? Hey why not. My personal to-do-lists are now done on a weekly basis and I give myself plenty of  more time to “get there”, remembering that if I am well rested I can get double done, be more patient, and walk through my day with a smile.

I still believe in the “getting things done” and “making things happen” motto as, incredibly, when I step back and let things go…well, either I delegate or things just don`t happen! A new investment, a trip planned, a real estate project, fixing a broken toy, writing, sorting family pictures, volunteering for an association, keeping in touch with old and new friends or work acquaintances, keeping strong bonds with the people I love. This too requires effort. As a wife and a mum, I now prioritize family time above everything, but still try and cut out of my day a few pockets for what I call my “hobbies”.

So how do you find the right balance between "slowing down" while "making things happen"?

A few learnings from the past few years (no I do not manage to stick to them all the time, I just try :-)

1. Private victories come before public ones. Keep the promises you make to yourself (that work out, that language course, that healthier diet, etc)
2. If you have a good idea, try to take some action right away (a new house, starting your own company, changing job, etc)
3. Don`t get defensive.
4. If you are serious about something, do not lose attention. Stay focused.
5. There is something valuable to be learned from everything. Make it a habit of finding it.
6. If you are achieving 100% of your goals you should think bigger.
7. If an opportunity arises, seize it.
8. Put yourself in other people`s shoes.
9. Take time for yourself and to be yourself if you feel your body is running out of fuel. The magic recipe for me is sleep (with a 2 months old that`s often interesting!), exercise (Pilates) and shiatsu.
10. Cut as much as possible time spent with negative or false people. They are drainers!
11. If your husband says you are doing too much...you probably are :-)
12. Use diplomacy but be honest to yourself, and to others, some won`t like it, some will thank you.

How to MakeThings Happen in Your Life

Rest: The importance of slowing down

M.

Quiet. The Power of Introverts.

A few months ago, I sat at lunch with two colleagues who, like me, volunteer some of their time for our company`s “women business network” and its events. We discussed chairmanship options for one of our upcoming events and general public speaking-related topics. To the outside world, the three of us would have probably come across as extrovert women discussing business. How wrong can perceptions be? All three of us, in different ways, would probably come across as extroverts in our daily business life too but what we were discussing that day, besides the event, was the effort that is required in our world, to "become" an extrovert, along with the new book by Susan Cain, “Quiet”,  its great success and the meaning of this phenomenon.

When asked, years ago, if I was an extrovert, my initial reply was “yes!”. Surely I am not an introvert? Am I?  I don`t really like standing up on stage, giving a speech, drawing too much attention to myself or wearing bright colors or loud jewelry. Typical signs of an extrovert for many psychology tests. I do like time alone, I like to listen before I make up my mind and as a teenager I would shy away from too much attention. But I now have no problem giving presentations, standing up on stage with a microphone, talking to a lot of different people at events and parties, organizing social get-togethers or feeling comfortable around others. So, what happened? I trained myself over the years, I guess. Now I  fall within the “ambivalent” group.

At a more or less unconscious level,  society sends out clear signs that associate extroverts with winners, with happy people and with people who are successful in business. Society rewards extroversion, unlike Eastern European and Japanese cultures and all the cultures of regions where Orthodox Christianity, Buddhism, Sufism etc. prevail, where much more importance is placed on introversion than extroversion.

“Extroverts think out loud and on their feet; they prefer talking to listening, rarely find themselves at a loss for words and occasionally blurt out things they never meant to say. They are comfortable with conflict but not with solitude.”

“Introverts, by contrast, may have strong social skills and enjoy parties and business meetings but, after a while, they wish they were at home in their pajamas. They prefer to devote their social energies to close friends, colleagues, and family.”

However, humans are complex and unique and because introversion-extroversion varies along a continuum, people may have a mixture of both orientations. A person who may be an introvert in one situation may be an extrovert in another and people can learn to act "against type" in certain situations, falling within what Cain calls “ambivalent types”.

Can introverts be leaders? Is our cultural preference for extroversion in the natural order of things or is it socially determined? Should you devote your energies to activities that come naturally or should you stretch yourself? 

As a recent business TV commercial, featuring an office worker losing out on a plum assignment ran:

BOSS TO TED AND ALICE: “Ted, I am sending Alice to the sales conference because she thinks faster on her feet than you”

TED: (speechless) …

BOSS:  So, Alice, we will send you on Thursday….

TED: She does not!

As Cain puts it, “If we assume that quiet and loud people have roughly the same number of good (and bad) ideas, then we should worry if the louder and more forceful people always carry the day. This would mean that an awful lot of bad ideas prevail while good ones get squashed.” Studies of group dynamics suggest that this is exactly what happens. We perceive talkers as smarter than quiet types even though intelligence test scores reveal this perception to be inaccurate.

Introverts can indeed be leaders. It might be more difficult in our society for them to emerge as such but once there, they will have a sharp set of skills an extrovert probably won’t be able to count on. An introvert leader is likely to show more empathy for his team and be willing to listen to their ideas and implement suggestions. This could motivate the team to work harder. Extrovert leaders, on the other hand, have a natural ability to inspire, will end up doing all the talking and might be able to get better results from more passive workers.

The above topic is now a line of research, still in its early days.

So, should we devote our efforts to improving in activities that don’t come naturally to us? Pushing ourselves out there if we are born or have a tendency to be introverts and trying to keep quiet and listen more if we are born extroverts? 

Research on the topic is ongoing and, while we wait for more studies, we could probably say that becoming aware of who we are and how we come across and pushing ourselves a little further surely can`t hurt us.

Are you an extrovert or an introvert? Take this quick informal quiz to find out!

M.

Sources: Quiet (S.Cain), Wikipedia